“Why Are You in Despair, O My Soul?”: Talking to Yourself

Psalms 42 and 43 share a refrain that appears three times (42:5, 42:11, 43:5). The psalmist is far from the temple, taunted by enemies who ask, “Where is your God?” Instead of only listening to his feelings, he questions them. He speaks to his own soul as “you,” asks why it is cast down, and gives it an instruction: “Hope in God.” Psalm 103 opens the same way: “Bless the LORD, O my soul.” Martyn Lloyd-Jones famously said that much unhappiness comes from listening to ourselves instead of talking to ourselves. The psalms model the second.

Distanced self-talk. Kross and colleagues (2014) ran seven studies (N = 585) on what happens when people reflect on themselves using “you” or their own name instead of “I.” Using non-first-person language increased psychological distance from the problem. Before a stressful first impression or a public speech, people who used their name or “you” performed better according to objective raters, showed less distress, and dwelled less on the event afterward. They also appraised upcoming stressors as challenges rather than threats. A combined analysis found that these benefits did not depend on how socially anxious people were.

An effortless form of control? Moser and colleagues (2017) followed up with brain measures. When people reflected on upsetting images or painful memories using their own name, an electrical marker of emotional reactivity dropped within the first second. In an fMRI study, a region tied to self-focused thinking (the medial prefrontal cortex) was less active. Neither study found extra activity in effortful control systems, which suggests that third-person self-talk may regulate emotion without much strain.

What the studies cannot tell us. Most of this work comes from one research group, and the stressors were short lab tasks. The psalmist does more than gain distance. He redirects his soul toward God (“Hope in God”), which the studies do not test. The convergence is in the grammar. Speaking to yourself as “you” seems to help a man step back from his feelings, and that is exactly what the psalm does.

Practice

Living it out

Five practices drawn from this passage. Each says how strong the research behind it is. What the labels mean.

1. 1

   Use the refrain as your own

   When you’re discouraged, say Psalm 42:5 aloud, slowly, to yourself.

   ObedienceObedience. Commended by Scripture. The self-talk research supports addressing yourself as “you,” but did not test praying the psalm.
2. 2

   Ask yourself “why” in the second person

   In a hard moment, ask, “Why are you so upset, [your name]?” and answer honestly.

   ModerateNon-first-person self-talk reduced distress and improved performance under stress across seven studies (Kross et al., 2014).
3. 3

   Coach yourself before the hard conversation

   Before a difficult meeting, say to yourself by name what you will do: “Mike, you’re going to listen first.”

   ModerateDistanced self-talk led people to see stressors as challenges, not threats (Kross et al., 2014).
4. 4

   Give your soul an instruction, not just a question

   The psalmist ends with “Hope in God.” End your self-talk with a direction: pray, call, rest, or act.

   ObedienceObedience. Commended by Scripture. Untested.
5. 5

   Journal in the third person once a week

   Write about a hard event using your name instead of “I.”

   EarlyThird-person reflection reduced neural markers of emotional reactivity in small studies (Moser et al., 2017).

Studies cited on this page2

1. ↗ Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035173
2. ↗ Moser, J. S., Dougherty, A., Mattson, W. I., Katz, B., Moran, T. P., Guevarra, D., Shablack, H., Ayduk, O., Jonides, J., Berman, M. G., & Kross, E. (2017). Third-person self-talk facilitates emotion regulation without engaging cognitive control: Converging evidence from ERP and fMRI. Scientific Reports, 7(1), 4519. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-017-04047-3